What a year it has been! I don’t even know where to start. Looking back through my photos from 2012, it’s all quite a ride. And looking back, I haven’t realized how much I’ve done until it’s all over. How fast time flies!

So allow me to do a little recap eh?

Grieving and Healing and Family Love

Healing from the scars of 2011 and healing from the death of my maternal grandmother (who has been living with us for 3 years) last March. I did channel that grief and found renewed excitement with the second year of our summer school. The kids have been a sweet delight to my 2012 summer. Yet summer also gave me a surprising twist of chance with someone. And I became stronger and wiser.

Aside from my lola’s death, it was also hard for me to see my paternal grandfather being in and out of the ICU- to see what used to be a powerful, influential, strong man now helpless. But ironic how terrible things always have a purpose and how it always has a gem inside it. My grandfather’s sickness opened wounds and healed them slowly. It softened hard hearts and made forgiveness a bit more possible. Blessings came in different disguises and packages. It came in the form of knowing my grandfather more, it came in getting to discover my half and step relatives (from my dad’s side. Our family is kind of complicated so don’t try to analyze it. Lol!) better, it came in listening to my aunt’s life story (whom I haven’t  seen or talked to in more than 16 years) and knowing her more, it came in strengthening my relationship with my cousins.

Grieving and healing has brought a beautiful unveiling of my family and strengthened relationships with them. And before this year ends, my sister whom I haven’t seen in 3 years is here for a month with my brother-in-law. What a way to end and start the year. 

Newfound and stronger friendships.

Proverbs 31 women slash my VG girls: Never have been more grateful than with this set of ladies. One left (although she remains a great friend!) but two were added!

Tropang Sunday: And I’ve never been more blessed than this group of men and women! Sundays are always a delight with them around. They make church events and projects more fun and they are simply amazing brothers and sisters to me.

Victory Park: They inject fun and blessings to my work. Lunch has never been the same since they came into my life.

Childhood friends: They were there during my silly, goofy, and nonsense moments. They were there during my crazy days. ‘Nuff said. ;)

ePerformax Buddies: The moment I met up with them again, I knew they’d be friends whom I can always count on. They’re the ones who know my ludicrous business ideas and other irrational, stupid ideas yet loves me for it.

And my other friends! They say that true friends are hard to find but I am blessed to have a lot of friends who are real! I’m not the friendliest person there is nor am I sociable or an extrovert but God gave me numerous friends on different seasons of my life and they have stayed with me through the years. I am eternally grateful to God for all of them.

Restoration, favor, healing

2012 has also been a year marked by reunions and comebacks, allowing restoration and total healing.

I lost a grandma yet God gave me another chance to be a full-time granddaughter. My paternal grandmother who has been living in Hong Kong for more than 15 years has decided to come back and make Cebu her home. Although I don’t live with her, I know there’ll be more time to be with her.

Friends I haven’t seen in years also came for quick visits and it gave me chances to bond with them again. A different reunion also came last September. It was the sort of reunion that got me singing Cool by Gwen Stefani. A final restoration that’s 7 years in the making. 

And again, my sister and my brother-in-law are in town! ;)

Favors and Blessings

I’ve said this time and time again and I’ll say it again: My client at work has been such a blessing. I get to work an average of 5 hours a day and still get paid for 8 hours of work. They are the kindest and coolest client I’ve ever had.

Although it has a been a tough year financially, God has never left us unfed. He has always provided and He always will.

Fruitfulness and Servanthood

Around June or July of 2011, someone prophesied that God will be asking me to step out with my talents. Who knew that a year later I’d be creating and designing for stages and rooms for events? Camp Happy Kids Center classrooms, Regional VisMin LifeBox Convergence, White Night Volunteers’ Appreciation Night, LifeHub Christmas party are just among the few events that I’m privileged to help out with the stage designs.

The ministries that God has given me have been such blessings as well. I dabbled with a flea market business and it was a great learning experience. He has taught me a lot on commitment, on servanthood, on sharing talents, and on excellence.

2012 In A Nutshell

It was a healing of all sorts and a slow rediscovery of who I was. It was about knowing my heart better and truly understanding whom it should beat for. The second quarter was mostly on taking servanthood to a level unlike anything before and taking my faith a step further- farther to where it has never been. Revelations  from the Holy Spirit that sent me into tears almost everyday. A trying yet peaceful rediscovery of life.

How different am I from last year! How different!

I laugh so easily now. I relate well with people and men. I understand more. I empathize more. And I am more open (hence the blog!). So different. More joyful and peaceful. 

It has been a year of different webs. God has been amazing and He always will be. He has been a great Father and Teacher. I know there are still a lot more to learn.

Through all these, I have re-learned to truly appreciate life and to share the One that has given me this joy, the One who has saved me time and time again. Life after all is too precious. A year has only 365 days…too limited (James 4:13-14). Cherish it. :) 

As always, God held 2012 for us. I can’t have anyone hold it for me but Him. And I will say it again: God’s faithfulness is INCOMPARABLE. 

(Photo from ravirajcoomar.deviantart.com)

I was supposed to be sleeping at this hour but something just wouldn’t let me insert a few winks. So I got out of bed and that’s when I realized that it has been a year. And I was surprised to find out that it has also been exactly a year since I wrote this: *Patience in Brokenness. Wow. I knew I just had to take out my pen and write. I’ve prayed and talked to Him but writing has always been my language and it won’t seem as real to me unless I write it down.

A year. It has been a year and this realization sent me into waves of awe and wonderful incredulity at how things have turned out. Patience. Brokenness. How broken I was and how impatient. But I also remembered how I just held on and on to Him. How my one hand clasped my heart and the other one raised upward.

Last year was a year of letting go and emptying my hands, of sacrificing my Isaacs and of foregoing my securities in life. The columns of my earthly support system were taken away and I felt as though the edifice of my life crashed around me. I had to take a rest from the ministry and even from reaching out to the people but I could not take a rest from Him. I would not and I must not. For whom can I call unto? To “rest” from Him is to die. And so I cried and waited. I waited for Him to heal and restore me. It was a sweet brokenness because He was there (and will always be there).

I felt like I was a puppet on a string for the first few months, feigning a smile. I felt like I was in a slow motion film. And though my heart was heavy, I kept getting out of bed and kept believing for the restoration. I had to keep going. So I had to do my chores, teach enthusiastically to foreign students, attend business meetings and wave exuberantly to the people because there is a plan and a purpose. There is a God in heaven who didn’t just scribble me into the palm of His hands but carved my name right into Himself with nails. He has not just memorized every strand in my hair, He’s got my heart. He saw me when people didn’t. When I’ve blocked people, He saw me. I’ve held onto the Cross and that made all the difference. With a shattered heart and befuddled mind, I chose to trust Him. And though it took some time, I had to be open.

I can say that I’m still carrying the stretch marks (as what I call it) from the painful 2011, not because I haven’t conquered over it yet or that they serve as bleeding reminders but because (as the term implies) those marks have stretched me beautifully. And just like Jesus did not leave this world without showing us His scars, I know He won’t let me (and you!) leave this earth without leaving our beautiful marks. Not to demonstrate it to this world but to show it to Him. The true beauty of those marks don’t give us the glory but to Him.

I wrote this to let you know that I’ve been broken and I’ve been restored, and resurrected by the one and only Healer.

“ The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those crushed in spirit” Psalm 34:18

Oh how He has redeemed, restored, and resurrected me. And He will bring that to you too if you just open your heart. But let me tell you that even if the restoration may have taken years or even if it may not have come in this lifetime, I will still choose to cling on to Him. Those few months, my flesh was fractured- dying in fact- but my spirit despaired for him. I am still in despair for Him. So yes, I would still choose to let go of those earthly securities and relationship just for a glimpse of Him. Because He is all that matters. His sweet, peaceful, beautiful Presence is enough. It will always be enough.

“God will sometimes break the strongest bone in our life where we think we are very strong. So that from then on, we will say that the strongest part of who we are is GOD. Not our career, not our family, not our friends, not who we are…but GOD alone.” - Anonymous

I am a gazillion times far from perfect and life still presents me with battles but God’s grace has made me danced with it. Financial problems still lurk once in a while but I have a job with the best client (who ever works in a corporate industry for 5 hours almost every day yet still get paid for 8 hours of work?) and businesses that may keep me busy but is nevertheless such a blessing, been hospitalized this year but God has given me chances upon chances to take care of my body and to enforce self-discipline. I no longer have an aversion to food, the hunger pangs have set in. I lost my grandmother (and was close to losing my grandpa as well) but God’s grace and strength made it easier to accept. I am no longer scared of tears. I am not afraid of opening up (I’ve never been this open in my whole life!). When I prayed for restoration, I didn’t think He would take me back to 7-8 years ago. He has reconnected me with people I haven’t seen in a long time. He has even completely restored a relationship that had wrecked me years ago. And my heart? It has never been the same again. Not because of the wounds but because I have learned to truly forgive and I have slowly learned to love people just like He did- love with my heart open. I am passionately loving life. I’ve been refined and He will continue to mold me, painfully and beautifully. Through it all, I can tell you this: His faithfulness is unparalleled.

Jesus showed us His scars from the Cross after He resurrected. So look on to the Cross and look on to the resurrection. Hold both. See how He is in the business of ironing out all the shambles into tremendous good?

“God’s writing your story and He never leaves you alone in your story, and His perfect love absorbs all your fear and His perfect grace carries all your burdens, and your story is a happily ever after because Christ bought your happily ever after so you always know how this story ends.” - A. Voskamp

He knows your story. He knows mine. So let me park my pen and lay it in the Author’s hand as He gives me the sleep I’m supposed to have an hour earlier. ;)

The Lord appeared to us from afar, saying:

“I have loved you with an everlasting love, I have drawn you with unfailing kindness. I will build you up again, and you, Virgin Israel, will be rebuilt. Again you will take up your timbrels and go out to dance with the joyful.” - Jeremiah 31:3-4 (NIV)

*Click on the title (Patience in Brokenness) for the blog entry- only for my FB contacts! ;)

{First photo from Sharon Jaynes’ book}

© 2012, Wela. All rights reserved.